Have a question you want to ask Dear Life Kit anonymously? Share it here. For our next episode, we’re looking for your queries on doubt and making decisions in relationships.
Dear Life Kit is NPR’s advice column, where experts answer tricky questions about relationships, social etiquette, work culture and more.
These questions were answered by friendship coach Danielle Bayard Jackson and psychologist Marisa Franco. The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
Dear Life Kit, The other day, my best friend told me if I ever had kids, it would be the end of our friendship. I tried talking to him about it, but he kept insisting that it would change everything and I would have less time for him. It seems a little harsh to drop a friend of 14 years because they had a baby. But I believe him because he’s done this with other friends. He doesn’t want children, but I’m undecided. I want to approach this issue again with him but I don’t know how. Any advice? —Hypothetically Hurt
Franco: It sounds like he fears you’re going to reject him.
Bayard Jackson: I remember being hurt by friends when they had kids and I didn’t. They were distracted, they adopted new interests, they wanted to talk about diaper cream, and I had no interest in that. So I get why your friend would set a hard boundary like this.
But ultimatums don’t do well in relationships because you are removing my sense of agency. If I want to have children, I would hope that you, as my friend, are going to be a witness to this transition in my life. And that our friendship is going to evolve.
Franco: Try to understand why having kids is a friendship-ender for your friend. Start with curiosity. You can say to your friend:
“Our friendship is so important. I would love to figure out ways to still be invested in this friendship when I have kids.
Losing you as a friend would be a major loss for me. I hope that no matter where our friendship goes, you would be open to figuring out a way to continue it. Because I really love you. Even if this does change how much time I have to spend with you, how much love I have for you would never change.”
Bayard Jackson: I have a six year old and a three year old now. As a parent, I’m grateful for friends who are patient and flexible, who can affirm that aspect of my identity. Because being a mom is a part of who I am.
Franco: The more you hear about his negative experiences around this, the less volatile they become.
When people are triggered, they tend to be self-centered because they’re in pain. They don’t have enough capacity to see yours.
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