Confidence coach Regina Bonds thinks that flirting in real life is a lost art.
“In this new world of dating, everybody’s behind a computer screen,” she says. “So many people don’t know how to put themselves out there.”
If talking to a cute stranger makes your palms sweat, but you’d like to meet someone without the help of a dating app, Bonds has advice. “Get out there and be confident,” she says.
Bonds, a certified life coach based in Atlanta, helps clients assert themselves in love and relationships. She shares four common fears people have when approaching a romantic interest in the wild — and how to overcome them.
The situation: You’re afraid they won’t like you.
The solution: Practice self-love.
“The first romance needs to be with you,” Bonds says. If you’re too nervous or afraid to talk to someone because you don’t think you’d be a good romantic partner, build up your self-esteem.
Try saying a positive mantra in front of the mirror that affirms your worth. “Tell yourself you’re the type of person someone would love to be around,” Bonds says.
Then, tell yourself some of the things you like about yourself and your body, even if that feels hard. Maybe it’s your freckles, your curves or your eyelashes. “That creates such a momentum when it comes to confidence,” Bonds says.
The situation: You want to show interest but don’t want to be creepy.
The solution: Start with eye contact.
It’s a simple and effective way to show interest, and it can help determine whether an approach is welcome, Bonds says.
Let’s say you’re in the freezer aisle of the supermarket and you see someone you like. Go ahead and make eye contact. If they look back at you and smile, that’s a promising sign, Bonds says. “You can walk over to them. That’s not creepy.”
However, if they look away when you try to make eye contact, that’s probably a signal to push your shopping cart in the other direction.
And if you do start talking to someone and they tell you they’re not interested, or their body language shows they’re uncomfortable, leave them be.
The situation: You want to strike up a conversation but have no idea what to say.
The solution: Pay them a compliment.
You’re pretty sure that cutie you always see at the coffee shop is interested in you too. Now what?
Don’t worry about being the first person to make a move. When it comes to dating, there are no rules, Bonds says.
Say something nice about their eyes, their outfit or their coffee order. Or, if you’re feeling cheeky, try a pickup line like, “I haven’t seen a smile like that all summer long,” Bonds says. “That can open the door to an amazing conversation.”
If your banter is holding up the coffee line, go ahead and grab those digits. It doesn’t have to be awkward, Bonds says. “I would say something as gentle as, ‘I’m really enjoying this, but I have to go. Would you like to exchange information?’ ”
The situation: They didn’t call you back.
The solution: Be proud of putting yourself out there.
You made a bold move at a bar last weekend and asked someone for their number. You felt like you both connected. But it’s been a few days and they haven’t reached out.
“If they don’t call you, that’s OK,” Bonds says. Don’t let it affect your self-worth. “What someone else thinks of you [should not] be what you think of you.”
Remember that you took a risk and tried something scary. “Be thankful for the experience. Whoever’s meant for you will find you,” Bonds says.
The producer of this episode is Margaret Cirino. This story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at [email protected].
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