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Dear Life Kit is NPR’s advice column, where experts answer tricky questions about relationships, social etiquette, work culture and more.
This question was answered by Meredith Goldstein, author of The Boston Globe‘s advice column Love Letters, and Monica O’Neal, a clinical psychologist who focuses on relationships. The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
Dear Life Kit, My husband has a very close relationship with a female friend at work. I recently happened upon a written conversation between the two of them on his computer. In their conversation, my husband was giving her a lot of assurance and was really open with his emotions, much more so than he is with me. When I confronted him, he became defensive and refused to show me any more of their conversations. He told me he only sees her as a “sister” and that he feels I’m being competitive for no reason. How should I navigate this? —Wary of a Work Wife
Left: Rose C. Cummings; Right: Alex Teng /
Monica O’Neal: It sounds like her husband is more emotionally available and open with this work bestie. I can imagine that might fall hard on anybody who’s on the other side of that.
If this work wife isn’t giving any kind of deference to his marriage and family life, that is a warning sign there need to be boundaries in place.
Meredith Goldstein: I agree. At The Boston Globe, I have a best friend. But I am not just a work friend. I’ve been to his home. I’ve hung out with his family.
O’Neal: You were open to being a part of his family’s life. And that’s the difference.
She is just a friend to you, but what are you to her? That’s the piece I would need to know.
When I started dating my partner, he had a good friend. But there was something inside of me that felt she was too overfamiliar. My partner and I argued about it and he said she was just a friend.
So I was like, let’s do a test. While we were on a trip driving from Colorado to Boston, we took beautiful photos. I told him, “When she messages you, message her back, ‘Monica and I are having a great trip. Look at our photos.’ If she doesn’t say anything. you know she wants you [romantically] and you need to set some boundaries.”
She didn’t say jack squat about the photos. She didn’t even say, “I’m glad you and Monica are having a good time.”
Goldstein: You were right.
O’Neal: The therapist in me says be curious and ask: “What is different about this bond [with your colleague] that makes it easier for you to respond in this way? Because this is what I wish I got from you.”
If he’s still saying you’re being jealous and unreasonable, I would check him on that.
Goldstein: I think they should all have a big dinner together and see how that feels. It might answer a lot of questions.
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