Have a question you want to ask Dear Life Kit anonymously? Share it here. For our next episode, we’re looking for your queries on doubt and making decisions.
Dear Life Kit is NPR’s advice column, where experts answer tricky questions about relationships, social etiquette, work culture and more.
These questions were answered by Meredith Goldstein, author of The Boston Globe‘s advice column Love Letters, and Monica O’Neal, a clinical psychologist who focuses on relationships. The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
I got dinner with an old friend. Things got flirty, and he kissed me goodnight. It was unexpected, but I was happy about it. Then he texted me the next day saying he wants things to go back to normal because he’s afraid to lose me as a friend. I’m hurt and confused. What should I do? —Friend zoned
I would take him at his word. If he’s telling you he doesn’t want to lose you as a friend, you might have to accept that.
If you need more clarity, ask him, “What happened? What changed? I didn’t even know you felt that way. Can you tell me what prompted you to do that?”
Maybe [this situation reveals] that this guy is a much better friend and doesn’t [have] the kind of intimacy we need as partners. As much as it hurts, be grateful you learned this early. —Monica O’Neal
I don’t like my friend’s husband, but she wants us all to go on a trip together. He’s cheap, he’s rude to waiters and he throws tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. She and I used to vacation together, so it would seem natural to include our partners. How can I decline without revealing why? —No plus-ones, please
Simply tell your friend, “We are good travel friends. Let’s maintain our good travel partner status without our partners. Let’s plan a girls’ trip.”
If she pushes for a family trip, simply say, “Travel chemistry is tough, and when we spend that much money on a vacation, I want to make sure we have so much fun. I don’t think we should mess with the chemistry and the perfect combo we’ve achieved.”
I would not go into detail about you not liking the husband. There’s no point in that. —Monica O’Neal
My ex-husband and I divorced on good terms, but we don’t keep in touch. What should I do with this box of wedding stuff I’ve been hauling around for a decade? It’s all I have from the marriage, and every few years I wonder why I’m hanging on to it. —Trash or treasure?
Haul it around for the rest of your life! It’s a part of your wonderful memories and maybe a part of your not-so-wonderful memories. It’s a part of you. There are things I’ve kept from my childhood that I wouldn’t ditch, and I certainly wouldn’t ditch them just because they’re connected to an ex.
After my mom died, I found old wedding photos from her wedding to my father, whom she divorced, and it was lovely to see the evidence of that relationship. So keep that box. Take it with you, like everything else you’ve schlepped from one place to the next. Don’t feel weird about it. It’s OK to keep things. —Meredith Goldstein
My sister married an a**hole. He’s always on his phone, doesn’t help with his kids and doesn’t let anyone else get a word in. My sister gets defensive when I bring it up. She deserves better. Any advice? —Sister and Mr. Wrong
Ask whether your loved one is OK. You might say: “Are you happy? Are you enjoying the relationship? What’s been giving you joy lately?”
Focus on the person you love and less on criticizing someone else. Sometimes you end up getting the information you need and want [about the situation]. —Meredith Goldstein
The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at [email protected].
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