Dear Life Kit is NPR’s advice column, where experts answer tricky questions about relationships, social etiquette, work culture and more. Have a question you want to ask Dear Life Kit anonymously? Share it here.
These questions were answered by Adia Gooden, a clinical psychologist and host of the podcast Unconditionally Worthy, and NPR’s Brittany Luse, host of It’s Been a Minute.
The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
Dear Life Kit, I’m a six-foot-tall woman, and both complete strangers and new acquaintances often make comments like, ‘Wow, you’re tall.’ Some people say I should take it as a compliment, but it makes me feel like a spectacle. I don’t want to normalize the comments, but I also don’t want to embarrass the commenters. How can I respond? — More than my height
Brittany Luse: I appreciate the fact that you don’t want to embarrass people. I want to offer the idea of maybe not 100% embarrassment or even 60% embarrassment, but a nice, gritty little 15% embarrassment. You can respond with, ‘Oh my gosh, you’re the first person to tell me that.’ Give them a little giggle. Give them the opportunity to laugh with you, but they know you’re not playing.
And if they don’t take the hint the first time, you can be direct. ‘Is this catching your attention so much that you have to say something right now?’ I think you can give someone one pass with a little joke to let them know you don’t like it. And then after that, be really direct.
Adia Gooden: I agree. If people continue to cross this boundary, be more serious about it. You can say, ‘It’s not cool. I’m not comfortable with it. Please stop.’ If somebody feels a little embarrassed and realizes they shouldn’t have said that, that’s OK. You’re not saying they’re an awful person, but you’re communicating that what they did is problematic. They should feel a little taste of it so that they stop.
Dear Life Kit, I’ve been with my boyfriend for seven years. I’m starting to feel pressure from family members and friends to settle down and have a wedding. We’re planning to get married, but we want to wait until we are more financially secure. How can I let people know we’re not in a hurry to get married without being rude? — Not in a hurry
Gooden: If people are coming from a loving place, just say, ‘We’re being really intentional about how we want to start the next chapter of our lives together. Weddings are expensive. We don’t want to start our lives together in debt or going into debt.’
Luse: When I was in a similar situation, I would say, ‘If you’ve got tens of thousands of dollars that you want to give me, go right ahead.’ Or the other, mildly gentler, response, ‘I don’t have any updates to share right now, but when I do, you’ll be the first to know.’ Which is what I say now when people ask me about having children.
Gooden: [If a lighter touch doesn’t work,] you can just say, ‘Please stop asking us. It’s kind of frustrating when you keep asking us about our plans. We will be sure to let you know when we are going in that direction, but until then, please respect our decision-making.’
Dear Life Kit, My future sister-in-law often says things that are hurtful or judgmental. She once told me, ‘I love you, but you’re too self-absorbed to own a dog.’ And this was over a meal that I brought over for her. I’ve had pets, raised my younger sister and taken care of my sick mom. I don’t think most people would consider me self-absorbed. Her comments bring my fiancé and me down. I’ve begun avoiding her. How can I cope in a healthy way and still have a relationship with her? — Feeling frozen?
Gooden: This might be a situation where you need to recognize when someone’s comments are not about you. If you know that you’re not self-absorbed, then you shouldn’t let somebody’s comment derail you or override what you know to be true about yourself.
So, how do you stay grounded in who you are? You need to discern whose opinion you’re going to take and whose opinion you’re going to leave. If your wise grandma says, ‘Hey, it seems like you’ve been focusing on yourself a little too much, and I want you to think about this.’ That might be different than a comment from a sister-in-law who tends to make judgmental comments. She may be somebody whose opinion you’re going to ignore.
You may also need to set some boundaries. For example, ‘Hey, I feel judged when you give me advice. So I prefer that not to be part of our relationship.’
Luse: At the end of the day, this is your fiancé’s sister, and I wonder if he could play a bigger role in managing your relationship with her as a couple. It sounds like maybe he’s also feeling the impact of her judgment.
I’ll share something my therapist said to me once when I was navigating a difficult relationship: ‘Have you ever considered that this person may never change? I want you to consider that, and then think about how you want to conduct yourself going forward.’ You can’t control her. You can only control how and when you interact with her, to a certain degree.
The podcast episode was hosted by Andee Tagle and produced by Sylvie Douglis. The digital and visual editor was Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at [email protected].
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