Gone is the traditional wedding officiated only by a rabbi, a priest, an imam, a pastor or an archbishop.
In a recent survey by the wedding website The Knot, 67% of couples are getting married by a friend. The share has skyrocketed since 2009, when The Knot started tracking who officiates weddings. That year, 27% of couples used a friend for their ceremony.
“Gen Z culture is really infiltrating the wedding industry, and they just do not do things in a standard, traditional way,” said Esther Lee, The Knot’s editorial director.
“They are scrutinizing every aspect of the wedding day in a sense of ‘How do I make this speak to my story?'” she said.
As people swap traditional vows for more personalized weddings, friends and family are filling many more roles beyond just bridesmaids and groomsmen. The wedding officiant is a really big one.
If you’re asked to perform a wedding for a couple, “take the role seriously,” Lee suggested. “Put a lot of hours and thought into how the ceremony will go.”
An officiant with a close tie to a marrying couple can bring a beautiful intimacy to the ceremony. But Lee warned, “Don’t wing it. You can’t wing it.”
First of all, weddings have a lot of stage directions. And the officiant is in charge of telling everyone in the congregation what to do.
“Part of the proceedings is having everyone be seated at a certain time,” said Shelby Wax, a contributing weddings editor at Vogue. She would know. “I’ve been at a wedding where we have stood up too long because an officiant forgot to say that.”
Wax suggested that officiants keep the proceedings moving without making too many jokes or doing anything to draw attention to themselves and away from the couple.
Ask the couple ahead of time for their vision of the ceremony, and find out some of the special things that draw them together and make them want to commit to marriage. And be sure to find out how long they want the ceremony to last.
You’ll also need to get any necessary credentials for legally officiating a wedding. Some jurisdictions require that wedding officiants be ordained ministers. That can be just a few clicks and is often free. The Universal Life Church ordains ministers online and boasts that it has ordained 20 million people.
“Sometimes you have to register with the state and the county and have all the forms ready to go for them to sign afterwards and mail them afterwards,” Wax said.
If the hassles and the responsibility of planning a ceremony and conducting a wedding are too much, bow out right now. The sooner the better.
But Wax suggested that you consider the invitation carefully. It’s an honor that your loved ones want you to marry them. “You know, if I was asked, I would absolutely make the time to do it,” she said.
Even if weddings have become less traditional, the event is still a joyous milestone and evokes a certain dreaminess in the people who get to witness it.
“I do feel that magic and that hope, similar to a child being born,” said Alisa Allred Mercer, a school board member in Davis County, Utah. She has officiated the weddings of a brother, two nieces, a nephew and many, many others.
If people are willing to give love a try, she said, she is happy to help.
“Each time that I am able to perform a wedding, I think the greatest thing that I’m able to give is to pour out my hope and my faith in their relationship to them,” she said.
Mercer had one final piece of advice: After you pronounce the couple married and tell them to kiss, get out of the picture.
“They do not want you in that photo — they want a photo of the two of them,” she said. “So step out of the way.”
The Knot estimates that more than 2 million couples will get married this year, and we’re not even halfway through wedding season. So if you find yourself sitting at a wedding this summer, maybe offer your silent wishes and prayers not just for the couple, but for the officiant too.
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