Many Americans are honoring the moms in their lives on Sunday for Mother's Day. For others, the holiday can be difficult. Some may be grieving a mother they've lost. Some might not have a relationship with their mother. And some may have never known who their mom was.
Mother figures can come in all shapes and sizes. We asked NPR readers to share stories about the influential mother figures in their lives. You shared stories of the mothers — biological and adoptive — who shaped you. But you also shared stories of aunts, grandmothers and neighbors who stepped in to fill that role. These are some of the stories that stood out the most.
Responses have been edited for length and clarity.
The moms who shaped us
This Mother's Day is particularly difficult for Lee Sider. The 55-year-old lost her mom a few weeks ago. "This grief is still new to me, so this Sunday will be hard," she said. "My goal is that when next April and May come around, I'll have the ability to reframe the season from one of loss and sadness to one of celebration. My mom would want it that way." Sider credits her mom for setting an example of what an independent, hardworking woman could achieve.
Rebecca Arthur of Buda, Texas, said her adoptive mother, Sara Byrd, was the "kindest, most fair person" she's ever known. Arthur was the first of four children Byrd adopted. She met her birth mother in 1993. "She was a beautiful lady, full of charm and warmth," she said. "But it made me realize the mother Sara was to me shaped my values and beliefs, and I loved and respected her even more." Arthur's mother taught her that "being a blood relative is not necessary to share the love equally with all children." The lesson was particularly important when Arthur became a stepmom to two girls, now 30 and 22.
Richard Howard of Centralia, Wash., has close relationships with his adoptive and biological moms. Because his adoption was an open one, he'd known his biological mother, Sheila, his whole life. He said he relates to her stories of her "wild party days" as a teenager, the growing up she did in her 20s and the career she developed in her 30s. His adoptive mother, Judy, was 41 when he came into her life. He thanked Judy for the sage advice she gave him growing up, about how to navigate his career and save for retirement. "Judy and Sheila are two of the most incredible people I could have ever asked for in my life," he said. "I have NEVER not felt loved. I have never gone without. I don't have enough life to give to repay them. Life is good because of them."
Influential in-laws
Several readers shared stories of the moms who came into their lives via current and ex-partners. Janet Smith of Fair Oaks, Calif., said her high school sweetheart's mom, Clarice "Weecie" Morris, taught her about unconditional love. She described herself as a "latchkey kid from kindergarten" onward. Her parents worked long hours and "made it clear that parents came first and children came after."
"Weecie was smart, well educated, did tons of volunteer work, and her back door was always unlocked and open to me at any time," Smith said. "She was available to listen and offer suggestions at any time, and she was always warm and supportive." Smith and Morris kept in touch even after she broke up with her high school boyfriend, and Morris even attended her wedding years later. "Nearly 50 years later, I still think of her warmly and wish I could tell her how much of a lifeline she offered me when I had no anchor."
Patty Duffy was shocked and devastated when her mother was diagnosed with ALS. "Mom was a great listener, gave sound advice, judged little, and let me make my own mistakes," she said. When her mom died, she said her mother-in-law, Rose, became her mom — though the bond didn't come easily. "Without reason, I felt it would be a sign of disloyalty to my mother if I allowed myself to become closer to Rose," she said. Duffy, from Grand Blanc, Mich., says a car conversation marked the moment the two became close. Her mom had died a few months earlier, and her mother-in-law shared the story of her own mother, who died when she was a teenager. "Both of us had teary eyes that day," Duffy said. "She didn't compare our situations with words, but I knew she understood that feeling of loss and emptiness. At that moment, I felt a closeness to her that never left."
Family steps up
When these readers' moms weren't able to take care of them, family members stepped in.
Abeba Aberham grew up in Ethiopia. Her father died when she was 4, and her young mother didn't have the means to take care of her. Her godmother stepped in to care for her until she was 8. That's when her aunt came looking for her in her small Ethiopian village during a time of violence between Ethiopia and Eritrea. She lived with her aunt in Eritrea and then Saudi Arabia, before eventually moving to Greece to stay with an uncle who was applying for refugee status in the U.S.
"Because of my aunt Negiste's love for her brother, she risked her life to look for me," Aberham said." That one selfless act has completely changed the trajectory of my life."
Paula Recchia of Honolulu was 3 when her father died in a car accident. Her mother had difficulty caring for her and her siblings. Her grandparents built a house so they could all live together. "They provided the stability we needed," she said. "We recognize our lives would have been much different without them.
It takes a village
Sometimes the mothers in our lives were never officially moms at all. Some readers fondly remembered the community members who stepped up to care for them. Angela Conley of Fort Collins, Colo., said she grew up in a "very dysfunctional, abusive alcoholic family." After her parents separated, she moved around with her mother, mostly due to financial hardship. When her mom wanted to move during her last semester of junior year, she told her she couldn't do it. "My way out was my academic ability," she said. "I knew that to attend college, I needed some consistent time in one high school." Her mother's boyfriend at the time had a sister named Esther, who offered to let Conley stay with her.
"There are not enough words to describe how Esther shaped me as a person," Conley said. "She took this scared, lonely, abused young adult into her world and showed me what integrity, commitment, compassion and faith truly were. I am the mother I am today because of her."
Becoming a caretaker
Some readers have found their mother-daughter relationships flipped on their heads as they become caretakers for their moms. Mary Alice Padilla's mother, Elisa G. Saucedo, lived with her from 1977 until Saucedo's death from Alzheimer's, in 2004. Though Padilla, of Austin, Tex., was in her 40s when her mom was diagnosed, she said there were times she wanted to curl up and cry like a child. She said she had to tackle taking care of her mom "one day at a time, one foot after another."
"To this day, I can't believe I did all that," she said.
She remembered her mom before Alzheimer's as a vibrant, active woman who raised her and her siblings alone. "She provided for us on a small salary, and I never remembered feeling like I was missing anything," she said. She will always live in my heart. I know she's proud of me and is grateful for being a loving daughter. I feel her presence in everything I do."
Catherine Ha's mom was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's in 2018 when she was in the beginning stages of her medical training. Despite learning about the nuances of brain physiology as a medical student, Ha said she found it hard to re-learn how to interact and communicate with her mother.
Ha, from Walnut, Calif., described her mom as a "reserved, yet calculating person" before her diagnosis. She worked long hours to support her family financially but still made sure that her family always had food on the table, "whether she'd cook her signature beef stew or pick up Vietnamese takeout from Little Saigon. Ha said her mother didn't necessarily show love in conventional ways, but she "was a provider."
Ha is now a resident physician pursuing a career in psychiatry. She says her mother's experiences with the stigmatization of mental illness in Vietnamese culture is part of the reason she became involved in community organizing and research-level efforts to examine mental health disparities of minority communities.
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