SCOTT DETROW, HOST:
If you love someone, learn how to fight with them. That might feel counterintuitive, but it is the advice of world-renowned relationship researchers and clinical psychologist Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman. Pulling from four decades of research in clinical practice, the Gottmans' new book, "Fight Right: How Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection," is a guide to some of the most common fights in relationships and how to work through them. Life Kit's Andee Tagle has more.
ANDEE TAGLE, BYLINE: Think about your last fight with your partner. How did it start? According to the Gottmans, the first three minutes of a fight tell you all you need to know about how that conflict will go.
JOHN GOTTMAN: The way you bring up an issue determines the way the conversation will go 96% of the time - and also predicts the future of the relationship.
TAGLE: You heard that right. In a landmark 1999 study, John Gottman found that after observing just 180 seconds of a fight, he could determine 9 out of 10 times whether or not a couple would still be together six years later. What did he find, exactly? When couples began a fight with negative emotions like criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, what the Gottmans call a harsh start-up, they weren't likely to go the distance.
GOTTMAN: They start by presenting the issue as a defect in their partner's personality, which just leads the partner to become defensive, and it escalates very quickly into a standoff, an attack-defend standoff.
TAGLE: But couples still need to get those feelings out, says Julie Schwartz Gottman.
JULIE SCHWARTZ GOTTMAN: An each person really deserves to express those emotions, but they have to express them in such a way that their partner can hear them, and they're not sabotaging. They're getting listened to.
TAGLE: So when conflict comes knocking, start soft.
GOTTMAN: What that means is you point your finger not at your partner but at yourself.
TAGLE: The Gottmans suggest a simple statement with three parts.
SCHWARTZ GOTTMAN: Describe yourself, your feelings, and what you need.
TAGLE: For example, let's say your mother-in-law is coming over for dinner and you feel anxious about it because she always finds a way to criticize you. A harsh startup might sound like...
SCHWARTZ GOTTMAN: Dear, your mother is a wart on the back of humanity.
TAGLE: This kind of out-of-the-blue, no-context attack gives your partner no choice but to go on the defensive. A soft startup, on the other hand, begins with your own feelings.
SCHWARTZ GOTTMAN: Honey, I'm really feeling nervous. There's the emotion.
TAGLE: Then Part 2 - explain the situation or problem at hand.
SCHWARTZ GOTTMAN: About your mother coming over to dinner tonight - she often finds something to criticize me for. That's the situation.
TAGLE: And finally, Part 3 - this one's the trickiest. You give your partner a positive need. As in...
SCHWARTZ GOTTMAN: Would you please stand up for me if she does that again? There's the positive need. That's how your partner can shine for you.
TAGLE: This gentler approach, says Julie Schwartz Gottman, creates space for your partner to better see your point of view and vice versa.
SCHWARTZ GOTTMAN: And it's so important to understand that your partner is not your clone. They are a different human being with a different brain, a different internal world.
TAGLE: And when you do that, hopefully you'll find yourself even closer to your partner than before your fight. Because...
GOTTMAN: Conflict really has a purpose, and the purpose is mutual understanding.
TAGLE: For NPR's Life Kit, I'm Andee Tagle. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
